


i don't want anything, i just want to survive (i keep myself together somehow)

by orphan_account



Series: WOUND [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, Depression, F/M, Gen, Healing, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Post-Break Up, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 16:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21395470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: except you do miss him. all of those things are what made him himself, what made you so fucking pale for him you couldn't handle it sometimes. it's not the same with anyone else. no matter how many people have palecrushes on you, they're not him, so you're not interested.
Relationships: Aradia Megido ♥️ Equius Zahhak, Nepeta Leijon ♥️ Aradia Megido, Nepeta Leijon ♦ Equius Zahhak
Series: WOUND [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550416
Kudos: 12





	i don't want anything, i just want to survive (i keep myself together somehow)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic.
> 
> i'm doing better since the last fic. healing from trauma takes time, but it's hard to deal with it within the first few months, no matter what happened. now that more time has passed, i'm able to look back and see how much better i'm doing. i'm nowhere near close to fully healed or fully okay in the slightest, but i'm getting there.
> 
> this fic has my own personal thoughts and feelings. all of the characters mentioned have personalities close to people i know, or have known. the only fictional about is are the characters.

your name is NEPETA LEIJON and you're going through a breakup.

you've been going through a breakup for seven months now, actually, and despite the absolutely bullshit situation you were put in, you think you're doing okay. mostly.

you have your ups and downs, but you're healing, so you choose to focus on that. you don't gain anything from focusing on the negative stuff, it just makes you feel worse and you really don't need that right now.

you're able to step back from the situation and recognize that you are responsible for doing some stupid things that may or may not have caused the end of your relationship. you're also able to recognize that the whole thing isn't entirely _your fault_, like he claimed. you both could've done better.

that doesn't make it hurt less. that doesn't mean the way he left you was _okay_. that doesn't change the fact that he made the situation so much worse for everyone involved. it _especially_ doesn't mean that he's completely fucking blameless, because he's not.

you don't know how you feel most days. happy, you guess, but never in the same way you were. you always think about him. everything reminds you of him. you haven't deleted the pictures of him, or gotten rid of the gifts he got you, or deleted his number. he may not be in your life anymore, but you're not over him. you don't think you ever will be.

everyone around you has asked at least once if what you had with him was flushed. you say it wasn't, it was pale as all fuck, and in return they minimize your pain, tell you everything just short of "then why are you so upset?" you hate it. just because it was pale doesn't mean it hurts less than if it was red. it shouldn't matter what quadrant you were in, he hurt you and you're still healing. you'll be healing for a long time.

your friends don't really understand the pain you're in. you don't blame them, not really. they've never had a moirail before, never been pale for someone the way you were pale for him. it just hurts that they're not able to be there for you in the way you need them to be. they can sort of sympathize their hearts out, but it's not enough. it almost has the opposite effect of what they're aiming for. you try not to show your disappointment too clearly.

meulin gets it. she understands what you're feeling, she's been through the same thing, she knows what to say to you, she's so fucking sincere and genuine when she tells you that what you're feeling is okay. she's your saving grace through the whole thing, and you really don't know what you'd do without her. you don't want to know. it's a good thing you don't have to find out.

you got a new therapist after the breakup, too. she's understanding and tries to help you with coping mechanisms and she tells you that she's proud of you when you do something good. she helps you get better about sharing your feelings and you help her ask the right questions to get you talking. along with meulin, it really helps, and you're so grateful for both of them you can't really put it into words.

you think about him a lot. not as much as you used to, like the first few months, and you've stopped dreaming about him, but you still think about him. sometimes in passing, sometimes deeper. you don't like to dwell on it too much, especially not by yourself. with meulin, you can talk about him for hours, and even then you have to stop yourself from crying. it's hard.

you also don't like saying that you miss him. it's easier to say than you miss what you had with him, but it's not the full truth. you don't really miss him specifically. you miss talking with someone every day, you miss the inside jokes you had, you miss the physical contact, you miss having someone close to you that doesn't drain your energy. you miss the late night calls, and falling asleep with each other, and the matching jewelry. you miss drawing on each other, the sappy paragraphs, the cute little robots he made for you. you miss what he did for you, not him.

except you do miss him. all of those things are what made him himself, what made you so fucking pale for him you couldn't handle it sometimes. it's not the same with anyone else. no matter how many people have palecrushes on you, they're not him, so you're not interested.

you wouldn't take him back. you're not good for each other, you know it'd just get bad again, you wouldn't be able to trust him with anything, especially not your emotions or secrets. you know you were just as bad for him as he was for you, and he wouldn't take you back, either. you don't think you'd ever find yourself in that situation, of him asking you to be palemates again, or you asking him. you honestly don't think he's ever going to talk to you again. that's probably for the best.

it doesn't give you closure, though. that's what you struggle with the most. you can heal from being blamed for everything, you can heal from being yelled at, you can heal from being beaten up, you can heal from the awful mindset you got while with him, but you can't heal from not knowing.

you don't know if he's just as fucked up by everything as you are. you don't know if he wanted to hurt you, or if he really felt like he had no other choice. you don't know if he thinks about you every day, you don't know if he dreamt about you for months afterwards, you don't know what he did with your gifts. he might've deleted your pictures from his palmhusk, he might've deleted all of your alarms and reminders, he might've gotten rid every trace of you he could, but you don't know. you don't know, and you're never going to.

knowing anything about how he felt, how he feels, would change your perspective. you really don't know what your perspective is, but having any information would change it. you really hate not knowing. you're not going to ask for it.

you've been paranoid since the breakup. you're cautious about everything you say and do. you're terrified of him knowing anything about you, but for what? you don't know. it's not like he can do anything with what he might get. you just don't want him knowing about you while you know nothing about him. it's unfair. it's scary.

you've known his friends are bad people since you met them. eridan and feferi, they were never good to you, never healthy for you, and you should've left years before you did. you didn't. meulin doesn't hold it against you, but she doesn't shy away from telling you how awful they are. you agree with her.

you defend your ex-matesprit, aradia, when she comes up, tell meulin that you want to talk to her if she and equius ever break up, but not before then. you don't say that you want to apologize to her, that you were the one who fucked things up, that you were shitty to her and she didn't deserve that at all. you tell meulin that aradia's a good person, and you mean it, because she is, and you still think she deserves the world despite the fact that you haven't talked to her in eight months. meulin gives you a look but doesn't tell you no. it's not permission but you'll take it.

it's been seven months since you last talked to your ex-moirail equius and you don't know if you still love and care about him as much. you don't feel like you're breaking every day, not anymore, and you don't feel like you'd rather be dead than keep moving forward. you wouldn't say that you're happy, not yet, but you're getting there. you're healing. it's taking a while, but you're healing.

you have yourself, and your friends, and you're healing.


End file.
